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silverlininglana
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Name: Lana
Birthday: 8/25/1982
Gender: Female
Interests: I love singing, acting, painting hanging out with the fam, staying busy, playing gem drop and diamond mine on yahoo, splurging on myself at least once a year, writing, playing piano, walking barefoot in the grass and taking really long walks, having deep and fun conversations, drinking, kissing, seeing interesting movies, dressing up, playing sports, going to parties, excercising, and traveling.
Expertise: I am an expert at nothing but enjoy everything.
Occupation: Artist
Industry: Entertainment
Message: message me
Website: visit my website
Member Since:
1/27/2004
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| This is possibly the dumbest thing I could ask (simply put it under the heading of hormonal crap) but what constitutes being "cry-worthy?" I have had friends leave left and right in the past couple of months and none of them have cried when saying goodbye to me. Oh they have boo-hoo-ed with other people and shared moments and hugs....but with me it's like, "Alright. See you around someday. Have a good life and I'll talk to you soon." And it's not just the boys. The girls have been total blase to the whole goodbye exchange as well. And tonite it made me wonder: "Am I not "cry-worthy?" Have my friendships with these people meant more to me than to them? Do I not make their life any better? Have I not shared enough "real moments" with them to warrent an emotional goodbye? Does my upbeat persona not invite personal tears? Am I not as good a friend as I thought?
And this made me very sad. I wanted tears. I wanted someone to feel close enough to me that the thought of leaving me brought them to tears. That not having me in their daily life would make them sad enough to cry.
But nothing.
No tears.
No, "Boy. It's gonna be tough to leave YOU. Thanks for being such an awesome friend. I will miss you."
Do people just not care whether I'm in their life or not?
Am I an aweful friend whose behavior does not warrent that type of affection?
Have I not been there enough for them?
Am I simply not worthy of tears?
This post makes me feel like crying....
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| So, I've been living in Orlando (part deux) for a little over a year now. Life really is incredible; complex and yet ultimately very simple when put under the right microscope. God, as I keep finding out, is ALL. He is not just the center or the reason or purpose, He is ALL. There is nothing that is not about God. And that's incredible.
In other news, I am sick right now. In a yellow robe and out of bed for any other reason besides blowing my nose a hundred times and going to the bathroom. I hate being sick. Why do we always want attention when we are sick? Do we really think that people enjoy spending time with us when we are carrying an infection and look like shit; and have the potential of bringing them down with us if they get too close, making them look and feel the same way? I think not.
To close out, I find my personal little world turning upside down and violently shaking all that is normal. In four months I will have had 8 of my very close and personal friends leave HLE, Orlando, and my little existence down here. I will once again be lonely and depresessed. But God wouldn't leave me here to rot and be alone. He obviously has something amazing set aside for me this year. I can only wonder what it might be!
I suppose I'll just have to wait and see.
 | Currently Watching
The New Swiss Family Robinson
By Jane Seymour, David Carradine, James Keach, John Mallory Asher, Blake Bashoff, Jamie Ren�e Smith, Yumi Iwama, Simone Griffith, John Harnagel, John Edmondson, Jaime Irizarry, Joe Isaac, Diane Kirman, Billy Bates
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| I hate periods and all the emotional crap that drags along with them. I hate that my emotions double, triple, quadruple, octuple...whatever. I hate that I am always close to tears. Here's the deal:
I have a dear "friend" whom I love who has no idea what he wants in life right now. Every answer to my poignant questions are "I don't know." He doesn't know where he wants to be. He doesn't know what he wants to do. He doesn't know who he wants to be with. He doesn't really even know what he's feeling at a given moment during the day. He's 28. I love him to the point of bursting but I can't keep giving in this way. I want to be there whenever he needs me and I want to say that it's worth fighting for but....
There's always that big BUT...
I can't keep putting myself out there and having nothing in return. I've been here before and it's not pretty. Not fun. Nor even remotely healthy. There is no safety. There is no trust. There is each day wondering "who am I going to get?" It has become where the great guy I once knew is now the exception rather than the rule. And I miss him. When it's great IT'S GREAT. But most of the other time it's emotionally exhuasting, infuriating and terribly sad.
Time to say goodbye, right? Time to say, "I want to be your friend and help you in any way but I cannot be this major person in your life right now."
And this makes me sad and want to cry.
God, I hate periods.
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| God is so amazing!!!
No feelings of jealousy, remorse, bitterness, betrayal, self-pity, or depression...only happiness and peace.
I am so content in Christ right now that I can't even conjure up pessimistic thoughts - even if I wanted too. God has carried me through and set me on a high place. I am extremely blessed in all areas of my life and when I start to grow restless and worry He simply and quietly tugs at my heart and whispers, "Trust me."
He spoke those words when I was in KY last week. Up in the mountains, where solitude easily finds you and rest is in every corner, He gently reminded me to trust Him. How applicable is my promised verse right now from Isaiah 30. "This is what the Sovereign Lord, the Holy One of Israel says: In REPENTENCE and REST is your SALVATION; in QUIETNESS and TRUST is your STRENGTH." How true that is and I found it gazing over at the mountains; finding peace in God's creation.
My hearts true desire right now is to obey God and to be the woman He designed me to be. Nothing else.
ps- happy Thanksgiving. (granted a little late but better late than never) It was my first time not being with my family but God blessed me with a family of friends in Orlando that I was able to eat, laugh, and share with. I am extremely blessed!
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| Sometimes I wish I were numb so that I would feel nothing.
I'm not.
I feel everything.
Why do tears overflow me?
I wasn't enough.
and while that is only a very small part of the story
it is felt strongest by me.
It wasn't a lack in my Christian walk or my spirituality or something deep like that, no,
they were small, almost insignificant things...
But things he was not able to let go of.
And his affection was lost because of it.
It is sad.
Why are such expensive words said without a guarenteed promise?
 | Currently Watching
Howards End
By Vanessa Redgrave, Helena Bonham Carter, Joseph Bennett (III), Emma Thompson, Prunella Scales, Adrian Ross Magenty, Jo Kendall, Anthony Hopkins, James Wilby, Jemma Redgrave, Ian Latimer, Samuel West, Mary Nash (II), Siegbert Prawer, Susie Lindeman, Nicola Duffett, Mark Tandy, Andrew St. Clair, Anne Lambton, Emma Godfrey
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